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Episode 6 of Pregnant In Heels – Crisis of Anxiety

For me, Episode 6 of Pregnant in Heels really speaks to the crisis in confidence that most mothers suffer from.  It seems that from the very moment of conception on, nature has a way of riddling both our hearts and minds with fear and insecurities.  Admittedly, these anxieties all rear their head to varying degrees, but I haven’t yet met a mother that hasn’t experienced this crisis of anxiety.

I certainly don’t mean to paint a gloomy picture about motherhood, but this is a topic I find fascinating – probably largely because I grapple with the anxiety and insecurities of motherhood every day.  No matter how scary a boardroom can be, or shooting live segment on television, or even an overseas trip to a factory in Shanghai, somehow I don’t second guess myself in these situations.  I go in there, guns a blazin’, spouting off what needs to get done with the utmost confidence.

With my children, on the other hand, there is a constant dialogue in my mind analyzing my every parenting move, from my play skills to what I say, how I explain things and, most significantly, the attention I pay to my children.  It is a seriously a full onslaught of self-criticism, all stemming from my desire to do the very best I can at being a mom and raising my children.  Simply put, complacency just isn’t a word I would ever use to describe my style of parenting.

The balancing act between work and motherhood doesn’t exactly help with this motherly anxiety, but instead gives me a whole other set of things to worry about.   So what is all this about?  It hardly seems healthy — just because I am terrible at concocting Thomas the Tank Engine adventures on Misty Island, I really shouldn’t take that to mean I should be concerned with my skills as a parent.  But, to give it a positive spin, though I may take the worrying to extremes I do know it is a surefire sign that I am being a great parent (or at least trying to be!).

What is it that truly worries me though? At the crux, I think it is purely concern that I don’t get to spend enough time with my children and that, ultimately, this will negatively affect them.  Even when my cheek is glued to my older son’s face as we clutch each other during the scary moments in “Toy Story” it still doesn’t feel like enough time.

Which begs the question: will I ever feel like I’m doing enough?  Maybe this is the thing with parenting – your heart hardly feels big enough to house all that love, your time never feels long enough when it comes to being with your children, and your energy never seems quite high enough to keep up with all the things you want to do for our children.

Though I haven’t figured out a way to get rid of these mommy anxieties, I do know never to let perfection get in the way of good intentions. Because it is the good intentions, the hugs and the kind acts, the unconditional love and the pure, fun moments of tickling and singing that our children will remember, not our ability to have healthy, magazine-worthy meals on the table, perfectly on-time baths, an impeccably clean, organized house and a bounty of play dates scheduled through August!

So I’m going to try to live in the moments when I am dancing with my sons to “Karma Chameleon”, when I have turned off the running dialogue of anxiety and second guessing myself.  Because, quite frankly, perfection is getting old and, even worse, it is getting in the way being a great mom which, after all, is the reason for all of this crazy anxiety in the first place – my desire to be a great mom.

Speaking of which…time to stop writing this and go home to play with my boys!

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12 Responses

  1. I was told I would never have children. Howver at age 36 I became pregnant and gave birth n February 2008 to a beautiful happy healthy baby boy whom we call Coda. (Short for his real name Dakota in honor of his native american hritage). I just turned 40 last month and I am pregnant with a second child. My husband of 19 years and I have been seperated since 2007 with not a lot of hope of reconciling at this time. I have truly, at this point, become very frightened as my son was not an easy delivery. I have been on my own since age 17 and constantly struggle to live a decent life. I have been planning to change careers recently and return to school. Becoming pregnant at this age and alone may at this time feel like the end even though I know its a gift from heaven does not make this any less stressful. This show has given me the courage to speak to my doctor before I make a rash decision. Shortly after I took the positive test I caught a marathon of, “Pregnant in Heels”, although I am far from the type of clientel that you perfer I understand that all women, bluntly put, deserve the education and benefits of these services. The light this show has inspired in me is to learn all that I can and find a way to raise the funds to start a similar srray of services for women available in all social classes and price levels. Forgive my ramblngs in this blog, however, I have been carrying this anxiety around with me since I found out I was expecting again. It has been mildly soothing to know that we have smeone who will just listen. We do all want to be great moms but reality is we will be the best we can, God willing!

  2. As you know…you’re not alone. I’m a stay at home mom and I still feel like I don’t spend enough time with my triplets. I feel terrible when I’m leaving them to play by themselves to wash some dishes or do some household chore. I wonder if I should be reading more books after they have gone to bed in order to ensure their development is on track and I’m doing all I can. I tell myself I will do things wrong but as long as I’m doing them from a place of love they should be ok. I think ultimately that’s what’s most important, right?!?

  3. Hey Rosie! Wanted to let you know you’re doing a great job on the show and shining like a superstar! Lots of love! Blaire Allison Intuitive Heart Healer The Love Guru

    TheLoveGuruBlaireMay 12, 2011 @ 2:18 pm
  4. I have to say, I wasn’t sure I would be interested in your show, since I am officially done having babies; however, I wanted to check it out, since I am Bravo fan. I love the show. You have a very calming personality with your clients and you validate what most Moms experience, even after child birth. I have a 4 & 6 year old and just went back to work full time 6 weeks ago. I grapple every day with guilt & giving my children quality time when I am at home. This blog entry resonates with me! We can’t achieve perfection and if we can remember that during our daily routines, we & our children will benefit! Thank you for your positive thoughts. It’s nice to feel like you’re not alone!

  5. Hi Rosie! Just saw your show and thought it was great!! You really do fill a need for moms and families alike. This blog was especially interesting to me because I have been struggling with this anxiety since my first baby was born. And now that my son is here I find that I feel soo guilty when I’m paying attention to one and not the other. Although I will continue this struggle(who knows how long!!!) it’s nice to read your blogs and know that you are also in this and able to stay afloat!!!

  6. Hi Rosie, Since watching your show and realizing I feel quite normal. Whatever “normal” may be! I too have suffered an ectopic pregnancy and was so happy to hear your tearful expression because I to felt the same sadness, and as I feel hopeless at times that having another child may or may not ever happen, watching it finally happen to you has given me so much hope. My anxiety has been terrible since that terrible summer (2006) when I had to come to he realization I am leaving this hospital without a baby and in pain. Pain in my heart, my mind and my body. It was deeply heartwrenching,i feel better knowing that this is quite a normal feeling and i shouldnt be embarassed to feel sad about it. I also told my husband that you are my new favorite “celeb” and how funny i find you. When and If I do get a miracle you definately will be dressing my baby bump.

  7. I have felt these same anxieties and probably will continue to as a busy working mom, but it is nice to hear other women–even ones who seem perfectly put-together, beautiful, successful, etc., — feel the same way. I have this quote on my Facebook page because I think it sums up our conundrum: “We are focused on every minor thing we do having huge repercussions in our children’s lives. It sucks the joy out of mothering.” Judith Stadtman Tucker

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