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Holding On – Episode 4 of Pregnant In Heels

When I got the call that I might be pregnant, but that the results might be indicative of something other than a healthy baby, I was paralyzed.  What do you do with a piece of information like that, other than hope and pray?

I remember getting into a taxi to go to the hospital to get an ultrasound.  It was one of the longest cab rides I have ever taken, but then again all the cab rides in this IVF process have seemed like eternity.  The feelings of hope were over-shadowed by feelings of dread but I kept telling myself that this could be the miracle we had been waiting for, that all the doctors could be wrong, and that this could be a healthy baby.  When you are going through the IVF process, you hear so many wild stories about people getting pregnant against the most unbelievable odds that at every turn you hope that you are going to be one of those success stories, however outlandish your current circumstances seem to be.

When I got to the hospital, my heart was pounding.  I distinctly remember lying on the ultrasound table while the doctors hummed around me, thinking that their white coats seemed particularly clinical on that day, though I don’t suppose a hand knitted sweater with embroidered bears would have made me feel much better.  After a few quiet moments on the ultrasound table, I’ll never forget my doctor saying there was strong heart beat and feeling my eye lift to hear the rest of the good news that was about to follow.  But instead, he confirmed the pregnancy was in one of my fallopian tubes and would be life threatening if it wasn’t removed at once.

I thought I’d have to go into surgery then and there but instead I was sent home with the knowledge that the initial treatment for ectopic pregnancies is actually an application of the very same medication used in chemotherapy.   I was scheduled for two doses, one the next day and one a week following.  I can’t really explain the agony of knowing you have a growing embryo inside of you with a healthy heartbeat, while also knowing that the next day you were planning  to willingly be injected with chemotherapy medications to stop that embryo from growing.

I felt like a piece of my heart had died; I felt like the worst parent in the world because there was nothing I could do to save my baby.  After the longest week of my life was over, I went in for a follow up ultrasound to make sure that the embryo was no longer growing.  More bad news: they found that the medication had not worked, and that the embryo was continuing to grow.  The doctors gave me a moment alone in the examination room while they frantically called around to schedule an emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tube and the growing embryo before the tube burst.  I called Daron and could hardly get the words out.  At the time, I felt like I should say something to the embryo, or the baby.  The doctors called it an embryo but of course it felt like a baby to me.  Still, to this day, I am not sure what to call it.

As soon as the doctors returned, I was rushed through to the ER and then told to undress so I could be prepared for surgery.  I can’t tell you how badly I didn’t want to take off those clothes, as every piece that I removed brought me closer to having the pregnancy terminated, and there was still a part of me that couldn’t let go, a part that kept hoping for a miracle.  It does bring a tiny smile to my face now thinking that, in the midst of all of this, I kept refusing to take off the bracelet Daron had given me for my birthday.  It is a gold bracelet that can only be removed by unscrewing a tiny gold screw and, in an attempt to hold on to some shred of control, I was obstinate that it be left on….of course, no jewelry is allowed at all during surgery, but I was having none of it.

It’s funny how the small things that seem to devour you in those moments are, in retrospect, just attempts to avoid thinking about the reality of the situation.  The doctors must have thought me insane, focusing so intently on the well-being of my bracelet in the face of such a serious surgery, but in fact I was just trying to hold on to something, anything.   They eventually brought in a janitor with a tiny screwdriver and Daron took charge, removing the bracelet and bringing me back to reality.

Finally my doctor pushed away my wheelchair and all the noise of the ER was gone.  The cold, sterile ride to surgery was filled with silly commentary from my doctor about the weather.  But what was the poor man supposed to say, what could he say?

This particular doctor had been with me since we found out we had secondary infertility.  He was not a very touchy feely kind of guy (but then again, I’m not either).  However, on this day he leaned in and rubbed my arm and told me not to worry, he was going to take care of me. And honestly, in that moment that was the best thing anyone could have possibly said.  I will be eternally grateful to him for making that moment as they put me under that tiny bit easier to handle.   I knew the moment the anesthetic took effect that, the next time I would be conscious, I would not be pregnant anymore.   In that moment before I went under, I wasn’t’ sure how I was going to handle that and whether this was the end of the road for me, whether we’d stop trying after this.

I took the next day off from work and spent the entire day staring at my son JR, remembering how blessed we were already.  If it weren’t for him, I am simply not sure how I would have gotten out of bed that week, or even that month.

Comment Feed

57 Responses

  1. i know that things will work out for you. I found out I was pregnant last April and last may I miscarried and we don’t know why. The only thing that has helped me get to the point tat my husband and i are at now where we are going to keep trying is women like you who don’t give up. I know that things will work out

  2. Rosie, I wanted to take a moment to tell you how special you are to be able to continue to help these women as you struggle with your own infertility. It is such a wonderful gift that you are willing to share your struggles with everyone so that women can learn just how serious these issues are. I was unaware after having several ectopic pregnancies that when I got pregnant again there was a blood test to tell if my hormone levels matched what they were seeing on the ultrasound. Had I been aware, I would not have ended up in surgery at 3 am with a ruptured fallopian tube, and my babies, the one hidden, and the one I had seen on that screen, gone alone with my fertility. It is a terrible position to be in, wanting and hoping for that one special child, watching other women do it with ease, and to not be able to achieve it yourself. I understand your struggle with the terminology the doctors use, they want to keep it so clinical, forgetting that this is so very personal. My mother who is the least confrontational woman I know even kicked a doctor out of my ER room and had them get a different one because she referred to my baby that I was losing as a “situation”. It’s not an embryo, it’s not a situation, it’s a child, and a child that is wanted desperately. Don’t be afraid to let yourself recognize that the baby had a heart beat, and was trying so hard to make it into your arms. Once I was able to let myself feel that I was able to begin to heal. I still struggle with everyone getting pregnant right as I had a hysterectomy because of the damage caused by the rupture, but each day that struggle lessons. I will keep you in my prayers that you will one day very soon be able to report joyful news of a new baby.

  3. Dear Rosie~ I was watching your show last night and was brought back to the day I too suffered from my ectopic pregnancy. My daughter was just 10 months old and we were so excited to find out we had gotten pregnant on our own, we had to have help from I.U.I. for our first child. 8 weeks in to our all natural pregnancy they told me it was an ectopic pregnancy and treated me with a drug called methotrexate. After many blood tests they said my numbers were normal and I could start trying again. I began to have terrible cramp like pains 2 weeks later and put it off for about 8 hours only to begin to pass out and finally got to the hospital when they informed me that my ectopic pregnancy had in fact not all dissolved and had continued to grow and then ruptured. I was slowly dying and thank god I listened to my family and went to the hospital. I had to have 2 blood transfusions and stay in the hospital for 4 days. I was terrified about not being able to have more children. I just wanted to tell you not to give up and keep your head up and stay strong. We then went to IVF to try and conceive due to my uterus being scarred and only having one tube. After starting our drugs for IVF they then informed me I had a tumor growing and they then removed my right ovary. I really had just about given up. Then we got back on track with the IVF process and our 1st attempt failed. Then, we got the best news, we had gotten pregnant on our own. Only 5 weeks in I suffered a miscarriage. I was 100% devastated and had totally thought that was it. However, just like you, I was determined to have another child. We started the IVF process again because even with one tube, one ovary and a scarred uterus they still got 6 viable embryos and seeing our 1st attempt had failed we were not giving up, knowing we still had 4 good embryos to try and use. We did it. Finally, we got a positive test with the 2nd round of IVF. Then they said it may not be a viable pregnancy because my HCG levels were not good. I never gave up talking to my belly and telling that baby inside of me to hang on and we would meet one day soon. She did!! She is now 2 years old and has brought so much joy and love in to our family. We soon found out after thinking we would never get pregnant on our own that we were pregnant again. ALL natural. We our now expecting our 3rd, a boy, in July. I guess after all of this I just wanted to tell you to never let anyone tell you to stop or just be happy with what you’ve got. They don’t understand. It is the most rewarding and heartbreaking thing to have to go through but as long as you see the big picture it is worth every heartbreak. I am glad to see you share your personal story with the nation. So many people and especially women have no idea what an ectopic pregnancy is. Hopefully, this will bring some knowledge to the people who watch your show and be passed on to others. I love your show and I know you will be blessed with your wish to expand your family. PATIENCE is truly a virtue. Peace and love to you and your family.

  4. Hi Rosie, I was watching you show tonight and you really hit my heart about your story. My heart goes out to you, I have three beautiful kids of my own and it wasnt easy for me to get pregnant in the beginning. It took me seven years before I had my first child. I took every test there was thinking it was me, and my first husband didnt make it any better. He made me feel like it was my fault we wasnt with child yet. i cried many days and night. I prayed and prayed. It finally happen, but the funny thing was it was after i left my husband and met someone else, i became a mother. He was my gift from God and I was so happy and scared at the same time. I didnt want anything to happen or go wrong with this little baby i was carrying. Now i have three and my oldest is almost 11years a boy (Tyler) my daughter is 9 (Imani) and my youngest is 7 (Terrell). Now I have a wonderful husband who loves me and all my kids like there his. My last two childern have the same father (he was my second husband) but i left him too.He was abusive. my tubes are tried now and i regret because I said i wasnt going to anymore kids if Im not going to be with father. But my husband now is the love of my life,he was my childhood sweetheart. He waited for me all this time and we cant share in having a child together. It hurts sometimes but he always reminds me that we have enough childern and he loves them as if they share his DNA. He is proud to be a stepfather and my kids love him so much,I feel blessed.He takes good care of me and my kids. I been very sick and I’ve had serveral surgery that left me disable. So my heart goes out to you and i will keep you in my prayers if you dont mind. Dont give up. I hope I didnt bore you with my long life story. I just want to let you know even though we dont know each other, you have people who can care about you and wish you the best. I never done this before as far as comment and express my feelings to someone i never met, but you touch me and I just had to write you. God Bless

  5. Rosie you are simply amazing. I can’t even explain how you’ve helped me just watching you go through this process, I don’t feel alone anymore. I too have been going through fertility treatments, 8 IUI & 3 IVF. My first IVF I was pregnant with triplets but unfortunately miscarried just as quickly as finding out we were pregnant. As hard as it was to move on, I knew I had to if my husband and I were going to be parents one day. Just two months later I had my 2nd IVF and again nothing. My heart felt like is broken in a million pieces, for four years it was all I was hearing from my doctors..its negative. I felt like I wanted to strangle someone, don’t get me wrong my doctors here in Toronto are amazing. They became my friends even like family but I just couldn’t take the heartache but I knew I could never stop trying. Just this May I decided to go through another IVF about 4 days before doing the pregnancy test I started bleeding like I was having my period. I called my doctors to let them know this IVF hadn’t worked but they insisted on doing a pregnancy test. The next day I get a call just like you saying it was positive but could be chemical so I had to do another one and again it was positive. Since I was implanted with 5 embryos my doctors believed that the bleeding was not period but some of the embroys did not survive… I only had 4 day bleeding instead of my regular 7. So again I’m told I have to do another pregnancy test just to be sure, again positive. I could not have been happier, I was in love with my babies. I was given progesterone oil injections to do up until my first ultrasound date & then determine from there if I needed to continue. About a week after finding out I was pregnant I started spotting. I quickly called my doctors and was told not to worry since it was very light spotting it was normal during your first trimester and it would stop that same day which it did or since I’ve been dealing with a large fibroid in the back wall of my uterus, the bleeding could be from the change in hormones in body. Everything seemed so good and then my worst fears happened. I was to have my first ultrasound this past June 13 to determine how many babies I was having & to make sure I was having a healthy pregnancy. Since I was told that I would be having a more painful, uncomfortable pregnancy due to the fibroids, I didn’t think twice when off and on I was having pain or slight cramping on my left side…where my fibroid is located. The morning of my first ultrasound at 7 weeks I walked into my doctors office happier then I’ve ever been, gifts in hands for all the nurses, staff & my doctors just as a thank you for everything they’ve done. I explained to my doctors the pain & spotting I had again the night before and they reassure me that its normal. The ultrasound technician comes in to do my ultrasound and I can see on her face something is wrong. They have another technician come in and again I see that something is wrong. No one says a word, they have me dress and wait for my doctor. As my doctor walks in I notice she’s crying and in that my moment I knew I lost my babies. She explained that I was actually experiencing pain from miscarrying. I could not believe what she was saying, I walked in thinking I was 7 weeks pregnant, happier than I’ve ever been and in a matter of seconds my whole world fell apart. I have complete guilt and don’t think that will ever change. I should have seen a doctor. I realized that the pain I was having the night before my ultrasound was different compared to the pain I had at the beginning of my pregnancy but in my mind I just thought it was the fibroid reacting with my hormones. This has been a major struggle and I’ll never forget about my babies and will always love them. I’m trying to take one day at a time, getting stronger everyday so I can go ahead and start the road to another IVF process. I still haven’t given and if you don’t feel like you can either then let’s do this together. Be strong everyone, good luck to all, we will soon have our families.

  6. my heart goes out to you. i sit hear near tears for you. i am glad you had your son there to remind you of the treasure you do have. <3′s

  7. Hi Rosie, I am so sorry for your loss and hope things are better for you now. For some reason I felt the need to write to you and share my own experiences right after your show came on. In this episode you shed light on the subject of ectopic pregnancies and it comforted me in a strange way. Not to long ago, I had an ectopic pregnancy myself followed two years later by a miscarriage. It has been difficult for me to talk about these incidents with friends or family becuase it hurts so much. Unfortunately my husband and I have not been blessed with any children yet but we pray and hope every month for us to get pregnant. We are not using invitro and are trying to have a natural and safe conception but it is challenging. Each time my period is due I fear that the stupid pregnancy test will show a negative message or that I have 5 days of my monthly visitor and then start from scratch. I have not given up HOPE and some day our little angel will show up. Better late then never right! Aside from my own story, I really appreciate the fact that you talked about ectopics on tv. There are so many young women and girls that don’t know what it is. My ectopic was very dangerous and I lost so much blood becuase it had almost ruptured. Women can die from this if they do not catch it in time and have doctors monitor them closely. It is important to inform people of the potential dangers of ectopics and you have helped in a small way. I wish the best for you, your family and your show. Thank you again and take care! From San Diego~ Hope4B :)

  8. I just watched your latest episode and read your blog. My husband and I started trying three years ago and the first month it was an ectopic. Your story is almost identical to ours (minus ivf). I remember the feeling in the er and everything about that surgery. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am and my prayers are with you and your family. All the feelings that you had before, during and after surgery like that is normal. Any baby who is wanted that much was lucky….and one will be that luckymone day We recently staarted iui/clomid treatments. it’s a stressful process, as you know. Hope everything works out. Good luck and God bless.

  9. After almost two years of trying to conceive our third, I got pregnant last June. At six weeks I ended up in the ER and found out it was an ectopic pregnancy and I needed surgery in the morning. I had two miscarriages between my other two, but this somehow hurt more. Just like you, the knowledge that the baby was alive and somehow was strong enough to survive in the wrong place,made it so hard to let them stop what was going on. I also lost a fallopian tube along with my child. I do count myself lucky to have two children, when I know there are women out there who can not, but it doesn’t make the loss any easier. Thank you for sharing your story on the show. I wish the best for you and hope know there are lots of everyday women like me who have gone through the same thing and can relate.

  10. Hi Rosy, I just saw your last episode and it brought me to tears. When I was 22 I had an ectopic pregnancy and almost died. I was so scared and had never even heard of an ectopic pregnancy. Fortunately I did not have to have surgery but was treated with a chemotherapy drug that stops cells from multiplying. I had a very physically and emotionally painful miscarriage that happened over a period of three days.Thank you for having the courage to talk about it on TV. More women need to be aware that this can happen and that you need to have an ultrasound after having a positive pregnancy test. I am praying for you and your family. Never lose sight of hope.

    SweetTangerineApril 27, 2011 @ 5:50 am
  11. Rosie I want to give you some encouragement. My husband and I changed our minds about having more children and had his vasectomy reversed. After that I begin to have a lot of painful periods heavy bleeding etc. Found out I had endometriosis could not believe it, after having 2 children without any trouble. Anyway I ended up at age 30 having my left ovary and tube removed. After years of trying we tried some fertility treatments what we could afford. The Dr finally told us to use that money on the children we did have. That was a wake up call. We did stop and a months later we got pregnant but lost that baby at 10 weeks. I felt horrible I heard the heart beat and already felt that connection. In all we waited over 7 yrs to finally get our son, but only have months of thinking we were going to lose him. The Dr gave us less than 5%chance of every having any more children. Well, here we are now 6 total and 4 of them on one ovary and on tube. So it can be done if God has this in his plan no science can change that. I wanted to tell you that if you have hope it will take you through those days when you deal with pregnant women and feel the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that you are not pregnant or when they take for granite that it just happens for everyone and take it so lightly. I know to well those feelings. I have a lot of knowledge about children and motherhood. I breast feed 5 of the 6. I have one son with ADHD,ODD,OCD and my 8 yr old daughter Abigail has already had to have a colonoscopy & endosocpy due to her sever Celiac Disease. If you have need another consultant give me a call. lol. I love the show.

  12. Another sleepless night and at this point I couldn’t find anything new to watch on TV when your show came on. At first I thought wow I must really enjoy torturing myself to watch a pregnancy show but the little tidbit of you talking about loosing a baby hit home. After a very scary health diagnosis in 2006 followed by several brain surgeries and a very long recovery process my husband and I started trying last year, we were absolutely delighted because we got pregnant immediately. Of course I was nervous, but I had thought this through and even had a consultation with a high risk OB/GYN before we started trying. Unfortunately at my first u/s the heart beat was weak and we had very little chance that the baby was going to survive, a few days later on a follow up we learned we lost the baby. I was devistated and didn’t get out of bed for probably a week. It was a very difficult summer but my friends and family were all there for me. This past January we decided to give it another go, and again got pregnant immediately. I was a bit more cautious this time around. About 2 weeks after my positive result I started having pain and called the dr. We went in for an u/s and immediately were told there could be a problem because I wasn’t as far along as I should have been according to my LMC. Over the course of the next 3 weeks we were in and out of the doctor with u/s and bloodwork only to learn that we lost another pregnancy. There was a visible gestational sac but at 10 weeks nothing else. I didn’t want to go through another D&C but after another 2 weeks I gave in just to put everything behind me. I told my husband at the time that I couldn’t do this again, that I was done. I knew in my heart that wasn’t true, but to experience two miscarriages was so heart breaking I couldn’t imagine how I could do it again. The only thing I really want in life is to be a mother and somehow I’ll find the strength. The next step is a Consultation for Loss to see what could be contributing to my miscarriages but I’m not just ready yet. We’re taking a short break and hope to start trying again at the end of the summer. It’s so difficult to see my friends and family having such an easy time getting pregnant, many on their 2nd and 3rd kids. It seems every time I call someone they have news and of course I’m overjoyed for them but it also brings back the pain. You are a very strong woman to be able to do what you do while going through such a hard time yourself. Hopefully one day in the future I’ll be at your store looking for that perfect Baby Shower outfit or taking a class. Thank you for sharing.

  13. Watching your episode brought tears to my eyes, and reading your fans experiences as well. At that moment you feel like, why did this happen to me. When in fact several women go through things like this. I have had to abnormal pregnancies, one which was ectopic. I went in for a DNC and had 2 shots of methatrexate (sp?) and went back a few weeks later in pain again. The methatrexate did not work, so again I went into surgery to have it completely removed. My doctor was able to save my tube, that was the only positive of this horrible experience. Then the second pregnancy was a partial molar pregnancy. Again, I had a DNC and had to have blood tests every week and then once a month for a year to make sure the molar did not grow back because it could develop into cancer. You just feel like your the only one, and your not. You just have to hold your head up and know that one day your dream will come true. I tell myself that everyday and I try and not focus on it, such as planning things later this year for races, trips, etc. because if not I will just focus on trying to get pregnant, and we all know that is the worst! Just know we are all here for you!

  14. Rosie-thank you so much for sharing your experience here and on Bravo. You are brave and I think it’s so important that women start talking about our experiences and remove the taboo from pregnancy loss and infertility. I’m sending you lots of love and hope for your next healthy pregnancy. I had a partial molar pregnancy two years ago and I’m typing this as I rock my healthy baby girl, it’s gonna happen for you too! Lots of Luck!

  15. Hi Rosie, Felt like I needed to add my two-cents-worth, even though it looks like you have lots of support from other fans. I tell people I wtach Pregnant in Heels because I love a show that makes me look like a good mom. And that’s true. But it was when you first shared about your infertility struggle that I was really hooked. My husband and I tried the “old fashined way” to get pregnant for 2 years before seeking the help of a fertility specialist. After a few months of diagnostics, we got good news and bad news: my husband is fine. I am less so. And so there I was at 29, healthy, vital, dying to be a mom, finding out that I had paramenopause and polycystic ovaries. She said we could do IVF, but we would have to use a donor egg. We didn’t even netertain that idea. Our family is not about DNA, it’s not about the experience of pregnancy (devastated as I was to find out I would never have it), it’s not about “trying really hard.” Our family is about family. We turned to adoption. Last summer we were matched with a sibling set: a 6-month-old girl and a 2-year-old boy. They were ours for 7 weeks before our adoption fell through. So one day, we took our kids to the Child and Family Services office, kissed them good bye, and haven’t heard about them since. It seemed everything in the universe was telling us we would never have children. To deal with infertility, insurmountable at that, and then to lose our children and watch them go back to the dysfuctional and destructive family from which they came, we were understandably crushed. But we scraped ourselves off the floor, and put our names back on the adoption waiting list. This past January, we were again matched with a little boy. He was 2 months old when he came home. He’s now a healthy 5 months and we’re scheduled to finalize our adoption in December. I’m holding your hand from a distance as I say this: infertility is not the end. It’s not the final word. Adoption, while sometimes painful, is beautiful and well worth the risk. Before your put yourself through any more emotional and hormonal angst, take a moment and talk to people who have adopted. Explore the possibility. It can make all your family dreams come true. Thanks for sharing your story, and know firmly that you’re not alone. We’re all out here traveling with you and giving you girlfriend hugs and the occasional Cosmo when you really need it. Amanda Barr bunniesarebest@gmail.com

    BunniesAreBestApril 27, 2011 @ 7:22 pm
  16. Thank you for sharing your story. I have also been down that horrible, painful road. My husband and I have also endured heartbreak on our journey to having baby#1. I had a missed miscarriage in ’09 and was diagnosed with a cornual ectopic pregnancy in Nov. I also remember every single detail of the day it was diagnosed. My little bean’s heart beat was so strong. It crushed me to know I would be ending it. The methotrexate shot did not work for me either. I waited an entire week only to find out the heart was still beating strong. It was salt in the wounds. My heart broke all over again. This tiny life wanted to thrive….it was just in the wrong place. I ultimately had a D&C and I also remember thinking “when I wake up, I will no longer be pregnant.” I’ve never felt so terrible in all my life. I remember waking up in the operating room and asking my doctor if it was “gone.” She nodded her head and I began to wail. Uncontrollably so. It was a pain unlike any I have ever felt. Fast forward 2 months later…My husband and I tried once or twice and by God’s grace, he delivered us another pregnancy. I am 18 weeks today. My baby is growing healthy and strong. This pregnancy has been filled with anxiety and fear but I have faith that this is the baby God wanted us to have. I wish you all of the luck in the world.

  17. So sorry for all the sad emotions you are experiencing. I know the feeling.. going on 6 years now of no luck. :-( My question though is about the clothes that YOU wear! Can you post the designer of the green/gray print dress you wore with Mina? You always look so cute.. you should put up a store for your clothes too!

  18. Rosie, I’m so sorry for your ectopic loss, but I’m glad to see someone like yourself, willing to be open about a painful time in your life. My first pregnancy was ectopic…15 years ago…and the pain of that time is still vivid. I lead a support board (http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Ectopic-Loss/ct-p/iv-ppttcectopic) on iVillage, in hopes that I can help other women going through ectopic loss cope during and after the ectopic. Thank you for sharing.

  19. Thank you Rosie for doing this show and for sharing your IVF journey with the public. As someone who is going through IVF for my second child, it is nice to have someone to identify with, when you often feel so alone. Like you, I have a little boy, who I also conceived with IVF after 2 miscarriages. Now we’re trying for baby #2 and have just completed round 3 of IVF which is so frustrating. It worked the first time for us with our other son, so it’s so crazy when you have to endure other cycles after you’ve already dealt with so much. I feel for you after hearing of your ectopic pregnancy. But it looks like you’ve had success with baby #2, from reading your other posts, so congratulations! Where are your stores located in NYC? I hope to visit once I finally become pregnant.

  20. Rosie, your show is cute! And, right on with getting these crazy women ready to parent. Admittedly, when I saw the promos for the show, I just rolled my eyes. At 7 months pregnant (and 4 year old twins) I thought, “This is unrealistic.” Clearly I had no idea what the show was about! But when one of my own clients suggested I watch it after I’d talked about the importance of attachment in childhood (I’m a psychotherapist and parent coach http://www.ichoosechange.com), I did, and was pleasantly surprised! It’s great that you work so hard to prepare these unsuspecting, clueless parents – for the sake of their precious babies! Bravo to you (pun intended!)!

  21. Dear Rosie, I am an “IVF survivor” myself and I am all too aware of what you are going through. It is such a dark and difficult road to drive on but it is worth the crappy ride. I actually suffered from primary infertility and it took 13 total cycles (7 medicated IUI and 1 traditional IVF with failed fertilization and 3 IVF with ICSI and AH) to conceive my daughter. My son was conceived on the 6th round. Honey – it just sucks You are in the club with us IVF girls. Please keep the faith. Please know you are not alone even though it doesn’t make the pain go away. I will keep you in my prayers. Leanne

  22. dear rosie, i have watched your show and how much trouble u have gone threw with IVF i also had an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago and the doctors say that its even harder to get pregnant because i have had my one tube taken out. i just wanted to let you know that ur show and what ur going threw helps me and inspires me to wanna do IVF and try as hard as you do to never give up on having a baby of my own one day. thank you so much for connecting to me in a whole different way that noone understands. i appreciate you and ur advice on ur show. please keep telling ur story and ur experiences because they help people like me

  23. Dear Rosie, Just when I thought I got my hormones under control. :) I saw last weeks episode when you mentioned your ectopic pregnancy. I am so sorry. Ironically, the very first night that your show aired, I was up late–not able to sleep because I had just had my 1st 2 doses of the methotrexate to stop my ectopic pregnancy. A pregnancy that my husband and I very much wanted. We have been blessed with 2 beautiful little boys, but we were heartbroken to lose a baby. To have to end the pregnancy. Although I had to have a 2nd dose (2 more shots) of the methotrexate, I was lucky enough to avoid surgery. It’s been 4 weeks now. Hopefully things will return to normal and we can try again soon. Miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies happen, I know this. Yet when it happened to me I felt alone. My husband is amazing, but I still felt very alone. Thank you for sharing your story. Perhaps it can help someone else feel less alone. Most sincerely and God Bless! Melissa

  24. Dear Rosie, First, I must tell you that I think you are an amazingly strong woman to share this with the world. When we lost our first baby, I wanted to do nothing but crawl into a hole and tell no one. That was 4 years ago and just recently I’ve felt strong enough to share with people. Thank you and I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Secondly, I absolutely adore your show! You’re a total badass! Cheers!

  25. Dear Rosie, I just watched this episode and I completely know what you went through with your ectopic. I went through the exact same thing last year with my first pregnancy. I tried the shots to dissolve, but that had failed. I had to have emergency surgery to remove it. I saw the pictures afterwards and it is very hard to comprehend. It looked like an embryo, but like you explained, it was a baby I couldn’t keep. I lost my tube as well. My pregnancy was on the border of the tube and uterus, so close and yet so far. My doctor was amazing during the whole proceedings. Like yours, not really touchy feely, kind of person but said all the right things at the time they were needed most. Once I was fully recovered we started trying again immediately. I am happy to announce I am 5 months pregnant and all is well. I did have to do fertility treatment to jump start ovulation. Good luck in the future.

  26. Rosie: I too am a part of the IVF club. I know your struggles all too well. My husband and I have been trying to conceive our first child for almost 6 years now. I have done 4 IUI’s, and 4 IVF’s with no success. My last attempt was using donor eggs, which we were very hopeful for success finally! I did finally see the words PREGNANT on my pee stick — which was exhilarating in itself…and did get the call from my clinic that I was indeed pregnant, although my HCG was level was low. I reveled in this news for a whole weekend – joy and fear both over took me! Sadly the following blood test revealed it was either a chemical pregnancy, or the embryo in fact did not survive. I was consumed into the dark hole that IVF can be – that was a year and 1/2 ago…I am just now coming out of the fog that consumed me. My husband and I will be attempting one last go around with IVF & donor eggs this next month. I love watching your show – I am inspired at your resolve and strength through the IVF process…especially working with pregnant ladies all the time — I don’t know if I could do that! While I know we just see a glimpse into your life, I appreciate you sharing it with your TV audience – there are so many of us out there effected by infertility and it is always nice to know I am not alone in this. I wish you and your husband all the best going forward – I will keep you all in my prayers.

  27. Rosie, I am so happy I found your show, I feel so alone that there is no one like me. I am a labor and delivery nurse and I have dedicated my life to taking care of pregnant women. I too have secondary infertility and tried 10 months with fertility treatments, got pregnant and was devastated by an ectopic as well. It’s the worst feeling in the world to have to end a pregnancy that you have longed for so much. I can also relate to the guilt of having one and wanting another. My son is 2 and I am so in ove with him but so long for another. I had a very hard time going back to work and I have my days when I go to the locker room and just cry wondering why it’s not me in the labor bed, why don’t I deserve it? Thank u for being open about SI, I felt so alone before I saw your show. Thank u, thank u!!

    Carsons mommyMay 10, 2011 @ 4:28 am
  28. I was so sorry to watch that episode, I was crying with you. I know the pain, and guilt that a ectopic brings, I have had 4 and 2 miscarriages. With my first ectopic, I lost my left tube, then the second ectopic, they were able to save my tube. Then I had 2 miscarriages, (which were miracles) then my 3rd ectopic was a ovarian ectopic, I was passing out and lost a liter and a half of blood (was,bleeding internally) almost died. Then my last ectopic, was in my right tube, and lost that tube. So I can not get preg. Unless we do invitro. Which we are not. My husband and I adopted our 2 foster babies that we got when they were 3 and 4 months old, (they are a month apart) we adopted them on national adoption day in nov. Almost 3 years ago. Love them, they keep me very busy. I love your honesty, on the show. :)

  29. Rosie, first of all, I want to say I’m so sorry for your struggles. I think you are very strong and inspirational, and I’m so happy that I’ve found your show. I lost a baby last year at 16 wks preg. It was at a time that everyone around me seemed to get pregnant without trying (or perhaps it always seems that way) and I felt so alone. My husband and our families were extremely supportive, but as you said, I felt like a horrible mother because I couldn’t do anything to prevent the loss of my child. So even surrounded by friends and family I felt completely alone because no one could understand what I was going through. Whether your doctors call your baby an embryo or baby, YOU lost a baby, and it takes time to heal from that. I truly believe that everything I went through was in God’s plan, because I would have delivered in March, and I got pregnant again, and am now 16 wks. I won’t say it’s been easy, because I’m a nervous wreck inside most of the time. But I truly believe that things will work out for you and your family soon. All the best, AZ

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